Anja van Beek | Talent Strategist | Owner | Anja van Beek Coaching & Consulting | mail me |
Grief walks into the workplace quietly. It doesn’t clock in. It doesn’t announce itself in the Monday meeting. It shows up in missed deadlines, glazed-over eyes, unexpected outbursts and the sudden silence of someone who once brought the team to life. And here’s the truth many leaders miss. Grief isn’t only emotional but also neurological and physical. It’s human.
As HR professionals and leaders, we spend a lot of time talking about performance, KPIs, culture, and wellness. However, when someone on the team is grieving, whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a sudden diagnosis, or a life-altering shift, those conversations must change. Because the grieving brain is not business as usual.
The science of the grieving brain (Yes, it’s real)
Understanding grief in the workplace helps leaders support their people more effectively. Here’s a guideline on how to lead with both heart and science when grief enters your workplace. Grief is more than being sad. It’s a full-body, full-brain recalibration.
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The Brain’s attachment system is disrupted
Our brains are wired for connection. We build neural maps and predictive models of the people we love. We know their routines, their voice, their comforting presence. So, when they’re gone, the brain doesn’t quite know what to do.
That’s why grief often feels surreal. Many grieving employees describe feeling like their loved one might still walk through the door. This is not denial. It’s the brain still catching up to reality.
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Cortisol, chaos and the stress response
Grief activates the amygdala, the brain’s fear and threat detector. This releases stress hormones like cortisol. It spikes anxiety, disrupts sleep, suppresses immunity and clouds thinking.
In the workplace, this can look like forgetfulness, irritability or even physical illness. It may look like laziness or disengagement, but it’s actually biology doing its best to cope.
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Neuroplasticity – the long road to adaptation
Healing doesn’t mean getting over it. The brain is slowly rewiring itself to hold the memory of someone without expecting their presence. It’s also learning, painfully, how to exist in the world in a new way. This takes time. And it’s non-linear.
What this means for HR and business leaders
Grief in the workplace doesn’t respect deadlines or org charts. It doesn’t follow neat stages. So, neither can we if we truly want to support our teams. Here’s how to lead well when someone is grieving, even when you feel unsure or out of your depth.
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Don’t disappear
Many leaders avoid checking in because they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing. However, silence is far more painful than an imperfect sentence.
A simple, “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m here if you need anything”, goes further than you think. Let the person lead the pace of the conversation, but don’t avoid the conversation.
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Normalise talking about the person
Saying their name matters. Ask, “Would you like to share a memory?” or “What did they mean to you?” Talking helps the brain process the loss. Pretending nothing happened only deepens the isolation.
If appropriate, make space in meetings or Slack for colleagues to offer condolences or stories. Community helps healing.
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Flex the policy muscle
Now is not the time to default to HR handbooks. Yes, bereavement leave is a helpful start, but healing takes more than three days.
Consider:
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- Flexible hours for a few weeks.
- Adjusted KPIs or workload.
- Remote work options.
- Access to grief counselling or other resources.
Workplace flexibility is compassion in action. Policies should reflect awareness of grief in the workplace as an ongoing process, not a one-time event.
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Keep the structure, gently
Grief creates chaos in the nervous system. Gentle routines and low-pressure structure can help. Instead of removing all tasks, work with the person to co-create a plan. Ask, “What feels manageable this week?” or “Are there small wins we can focus on?” This preserves dignity and gives the brain something to anchor to.
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Don’t rush the return
The first week back is often harder than the funeral. Grievers may feel pressure to perform or act normally. Be clear that you don’t expect them to be okay. Let them ease in. Give permission to step away when needed. Check in, and keep checking in, even months later.
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Educate managers and teams
Most grief support fails not because people are unkind, but because they’re unprepared.
Run mini-workshops or send out internal guides on:
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- What to say and what not to say.
- How grief shows up at work.
- The science behind grief.
This builds a culture of empathy, not awkward silence.
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Lead by example
Finally, if you are grieving, be honest. You don’t need to overshare. Modelling vulnerability creates psychological safety for others to do the same.
Healing isn’t linear, but support should be consistent
The grieving brain doesn’t follow timelines or quarterly plans. It has its own rhythm: slow, tender and unpredictable.
As leaders, our job isn’t to fix or rush it but to hold space and create safety. Recognising grief in the workplace as a shared human experience allows us to lead with compassion and clarity.
When we honour grief in the workplace, we affirm our shared humanity. We remind our teams that they matter not just for what they produce, but for who they are, even in their most broken moments. That is leadership worth remembering, even in the darkest times.
